Pedestrians suck. Cyclists suck. Drivers suck.

(Last time I wrote about this topic, I put a lot of effort into maintaining a respectful tone. That’s out the window right now. And don’t feel bad cyclists, you have company now!)

(Also this blog will not be filled with rants. Honestly, I hate the fact that everyone on the internet is still trying to rip off Maddox and play the “edgy” card, but I’m not gonna pretend I don’t get annoyed. You’ll get these posts once in a while, but there will be some more variety on the way.)

Pedestrians fucking suck. They don’t know how to walk and have as much awareness as a group of comatose sloths. Please explain why the following behavior is acceptable:

  • Randomly stopping in the middle of a sidewalk, forcing people in both directions to try and go around you;
  • Walking side by side with your friends as if you were in a parade, essentially stretching from wall to curb;
  • Managing NASCAR-levels of defense to keep anyone from passing you, despite moving about 1 mph;
  • Holding hands with your significant other, making me look like the asshole when you lumber into my path because you refuse to release each other for even the slightest of moments;
  • Blindly crossing the street despite the green light and oncoming traffic, then getting pissy and cursing out the driver because you couldn’t wait for a walk signal;
  • Walking down the sidewalk while looking at your cellphone/tablet/book.

Cyclists fucking suck too. Take my comments about awareness, throw them in a blender with an air of smugness and a willingness to point fingers at everyone else, and you’ve got the average asshole cyclists. These class acts are guilty of the following:

  • Ignoring traffic laws (red lights, stop signs, one-way streets, etc) and pedaling without a care in the world;
  • Or even worse, being completely unaware that such laws exist and/or apply to them (imagine someone getting in a car without knowing or caring about the rules of the road);
  • Not caring about other vehicles on the road (either in motion or stopped) and weaving in and out of traffic maniacally;
  • Racing through a line of pedestrians crossing the street instead of just waiting for the people to move;
  • Blaming drivers for hogging the road and being assholes when they’re being just as douchey;
  • Getting that exasperated look when they have to go around other cyclists that are actually obeying traffic laws.
  • Riding your bike on the sidewalk when there is an empty bike lane five fucking feet away on your left.

And then we come to drivers. There aren’t as many poor drivers as you think, but a shitty driver is far worse than a pedestrian or cyclist, because he or she actually has a license (most of the time). Road tests aren’t easy, and you have to be extremely responsible and cautious to pass, so it’s unfathomable that someone who does know the rules is guilty of the following:

  • Disregarding pedestrians, cyclists, cars, vans, 18-wheelers, etc;
  • Forgetting to use turn signals (the lever is right there, you don’t even have to move your hands, just flick your finger);
  • Ignoring red lights/stop signs/one-way streets;
  • Flipping off/cursing out a driver because you had to switch lanes to go 30 mph over the speed limit;
  • Using a turn signal at the last possible moment and crossing over 3-4 lanes of traffic to get to your exit;
  • Parking like an asshole and taking up two spaces;
  • DRIVING DRUNK (I shouldn’t even have to say this one but I can’t leave it off, because there’s nothing dumber a person can do behind the wheel).

It’s depressing that people will spend decades alive without ever mastering the art of effective and efficient movement. Even if you aren’t guilty of these crimes against society, you probably know someone that is. Talk to your friends. Tell them to stop being assholes. Respect each other.

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